Today is quite a significant day- home alone for the first time in the year.

But you know what, it actually feels quite good =D
Cause for the first time, I am able to have time alone to myself to reflect. and it's quite empowering to have the ability to.

In my alone time,

I think of myself and my first love, all the things that we used to do together. The rush I used to feel because everything is done for the every first time. The way we search, for ourselves and what love meant to both of us. How we intertwined our lives so as to dance together with alignment and rhythm. And when the music eventually stopped, how we each picked ourselves up to carry on leading our lives like the dance was just but a dream. Just that ever so often, I would stand still, listening to the sound of our dance- that's when I know you have always been there. Real.

I think of the best times I have in Pioneer. the ones where we would run around the school late at night like there is not a single care- except to study. You were always my guardian angel, even before we cross paths. And in a way, we were out looking out for each other. With you, I always feel protected. Cause in your eyes, you show me only me, the only thing I was desperate to find. We started singing in tune, the sweetest melody and words imaginable. We hit every note, covered for each other when one is too weak to project. Our score went on and on till I lost my breath. I couldn't see myself in your eyes the way they were, and so i bid the human in me goodbye to allow the primitive to take charge- I ran.

I think about the me in the past- the me that hadn't grew up- stuck in really sticky situations cause of my inability to channel out my feeling. I see myself through a lot of passion as I try to find my way around love's girth. But time and again, I find myself out of her warmth, plugging into the world of hate. i know that you were chasing after me in full force and that nearly got you killed.

I think about the periods before my As. You gave me this sense of security and steadiness that i was searching for. With you I settled down with life, found my purpose and my drive. I was your life, hope and dream. With so much happening to me, I still felt as empty as ever. It was as if we were driving at full speed and I didn't have time to look at myself- ask me about what I needed. I spend a fair bit of time, struggling between black and white, the to dos and the don'ts. I was drowning from the many " I should be doing this right nows" that I triggered the need to run again.

I think about this special friend of mine and how she knock senses into me. We started like a joke, both heart-worn. thinking about ways to make all the pain in the world vanish. We held onto to each other, holding each other up when the day gets too low. then things happened and we began our war. The most terrible war I had to fight. You gave me hell and I roar it back to you the same. There was so much hate and despise. You were the one that gave me the most amount of pain cos you never held back in your attempt to trash the guts out of me, and I never thought of leaving because you never thought of it too. This is why Glen knows that your place in me is unshakeable. So somehow, through the whole episode you force me to think. To stop leaning on others and start being a pillar on my own. You made me me.

I think about you now, what I have and how you care. You give me no reason to run cos you are all the right in the world to me now.